It's Friday night, and I'm all alone in Nowra. None of the nice physio friends are around, none of the other med kids are around, there're sirens playing in the distance and I'm out of TV episodes to watch. Also, I have a memorial service in the morning, have been sick for two days, and am feeling so goddamned exhausted that I could just curl up and not get out of bed for a week.

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I miss caffeine. I haven’t let myself have much for the past few days, due to GI troubles, and I think my minor headache has been due to withdrawal… which is sad. I don’t just miss caffeine though - there’s a massive list of people I miss as well. Here, I’ll mention some.

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I miss Erin, Ben, Ben, Miles, Lance, Sam, Brendan. I miss Kate, Jess, Kate, Ash, Matt, Kimmy, JC, Steve, Cate, Vindi, Jess, Beth (god, I miss Beth), Rach, Max, Mark, Jonno. I miss Zoe, Shaun, Pier, Shona, Sheridan, Mel(issa), Sandra. I miss Greg. I miss Andrew & Gracie and the rest of the family. I miss Lilla, Beth, Kim, Matt. I miss ‘M’. I miss Damo, Lids, Chris, Jen. I miss ‘C’. My god, I miss so many more.

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I miss myself, too. I look at myself from time to time and wonder, where the fuck did I manage to lose myself along the way? And what the hell am I doing right now? The answer to that is, of course, learning to be what I find fits me like a tailored glove, but it’s hard, damn it’s hard. It’d be nice if there was some kind of immediate payoff… which makes me into a whiny little person of course, considering the sheer enjoyment and satisfaction I glean from my ‘job’ but hey. This is my bitch session. I imagine it has a great deal to do with being at the end of the year, a single week out, and just wanting to switch off, even for a little while.

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I just fear that I’ll never switch off again. Never fully. My last week of holidays I spent clerking patients and hanging at the GSM to volunteer with the New Kids. The holiday before that I took maybe four consecutive days off without work - and that was between phases of the degree. Over summer, I took time off but that, well… that ended badly for me personal-wise. Right now it ended ‘well’, but it was not pleasant.

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Being a doctor is kinda all I have at the moment, for myself. I have two novels in progress which I want to work on over summer, and I will, but I didn’t get to NaNoWriMo this year (two years in a row now, thanks-a-fucking-lot) which is an experience I treasure. I haven’t managed to write a poem for about two months now - literally, haven’t been capable - thanks to mental death of lyrical expression (excepting maybe the lonely empath). I wanted to start playing the piano again this phase, but haven’t been home… that’s a summer thing now. I want to read fiction and not feel guilty. I want… want, isn’t it.

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It feels like medicine has required a great deal of sacrifice of my life. Financial sacrifice, friendship sacrifice, relationship sacrifice, even family sacrifice. Life turns into a minefield of shattered dreams and fragments, and you’re walking on it barefooted and trying not to cut yourself open and bleed.

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Morbid I sound, hrm. Yoda speaks thusly, yes. Anyway, for the people (heh) who got to this point, don’t stress about me. I’m feeling slightly moody and lonely and missing some people, but it will get better. Maybe tomorrow has gotten me down - mortality’s a fun thought isn’t it - and made me consider my own life a bit.

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At least mine can get better.

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-A

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