Hmm. Well, I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking recently, about a few things. Quite a bit of what I’ve mulled over and decided won’t come out here… I’ve got a paper journal for that. However, I thought I might talk a bit here too… for some of the things, anyway.

Anyway, first some background, and chatting, before I get to the interesting stuff. If I get there, bear with me. ^_^

On Friday, I submitted another online Chem assignment, did some random stuff, downloaded yet more of Finding Nemo, discovered an ‘Anime Rental Service’ on a KDX tracker (currently downloading Haibane Renmei for perusal - based on the first episode, I’ll be getting the DVD’s when they come out in October ^^ ) and then went to work. Fun day, of course. ~^

Saturday passed more or less eh, for the day. At night, I went out to a good friend, Peter’s 20th birthday party. We meandered down to a restaurant known as La Bella Aroma (iirc ~^) where I proceeded to eat half a garlic and cheese pizza and a Veal Parmigiana - which is incidentally just as nice, if not nicer than the chicken variety. After eating, we drove down to the local RSL club, where the majority of the party began to entertain themselves with alcoholic beverages. I, as a driver and for other reasons, was drinking soft drinks, as were a couple of others. Anyway, I proceeded to rather amuse myself at the expense, especially, of a good mate Sam, my evil, evil D&D Dungeon Master. I’ll set the scene for the funniest part. ~^

Sam and Duncan (another friend) were discussing which of them would be slapped first if they kept ogling a group of (incidentally, quite attractive) girls nearby. The then turned to the rest of us (seated around a table) and Duncan asked if anyone wanted to bet which of them would get slapped first (without mentioning the girl part). So, my first and instantaneous reaction - I slapped Sam across the face.

Man, it was funny. ^_^

Anyway, various other things happened, playing poker machines (where I spent a dollar for the play equivalent of three dollars, go me!) and keno - where I just lost a dollar, plain and simple. Meh.

It was during the night that the question (which always comes up) came up - why don’t I drink alcohol? I replied with the normal answers - can’t be bothered, can think of better things to spend money on, etc, etc. But it really got me thinking (again!) about my reasons for not drinking alcohol. And, that thought stewed in my brain especially during the drive home after the party (hey, it was 1.15am, I needed something to think about!) and I think I managed to get around my subconscious reasons for not drinking.

Control.

I have always hated even the thought of losing any control whatsoever over my actions. Almost everything I say or do is carefully thought through before taking place - admittedly, not a lot of the bantering style conversation, but almost everything else. I’m a bit of a control freak, it must be admitted - for reasons that don’t go here, I’m afraid. But I think that’s a major part of why I won’t drink - I’m terrified of losing control of myself, in any way.

It’s all a facade, anyway. The way I view myself and act changes depending on my situation and companions. I suppose I’m also a bit insecure about myself, in that I very rarely act naturally. If there is such a thin as natural for me, anyway.

I’m going to close with a poem I wrote last year which has touches of this feeling in it. I felt it as I wrote it… and it stopped me writing for a while afterwards, because of the questions it raised in me about myself. I have written other poems since and still do write them - I just don’t share them very often anymore. Here it is:

Identity

WIth that, adieu.

-Andiyar