I really don’t know what I’m doing here now, but I feel that I might as well do something, and so, here I am again.

First off, I may as well get the worst off my chest. On Monday night/Tuesday morning, my great grandmother passed away in hospital. She was ninety two, and had been steadily declining for quite some time, as well as being afflicted with Alzheimers, but it was still a nasty shock. Even worse was, due to my Uni and work schedule, I didn’t find out until almost two days later.

I can still remember her as she was, and as she became. Even then, I could see it coming… but still… sigh. The funeral is on Monday morning at eleven, so I’ll leave Uni for a while and then go back for the afternoon lectures.

External changes for me almost always provoke some kind of catharsis in me, internally, at any rate. Nan’s death, coupled with a few realisations I’ve had recently don’t really make for the same Ben I’ve always been… but then, that’s a bit of a lie in itself.

I almost feel like I’m on the brink of an identity crises again. I can almost see the edge, so to speak… and once I’ve plunged off, God only knows where I’ll resurface again.

I’ll try to write a poem for Nan sometime later tonight, maybe. Sadness always brings out creativity in me. Perhaps it always will… and yet, being inspired by sad events makes me depressed in other ways that might be obvious.

Andiyar sighs. What happens, happens, I suppose. There’s nothing we can ever do about it in the long run, no way to prevent the inexorable march of the future.

At times I almost believe in fate. I always convince myself otherwise, and yet, I wonder. If fate is true, then what is going to happen next?

What will happen to me?

-Andiyar