I feel heartless.

As you’re aware, I’m currently embroiled in a rewrite of the Fall of the Nervii, my old major work from year 12. I don’t remember if I posted this, but the complete version of the original text is available online here

Anyway, to get to the point, I’ve rewritten a fair amount so far - the prologue is more or less done, and I’m working on the first section, originally entitled ‘The Gathering’ - I’ve kept that title for now, but I’m not sure whether it’ll stay or not yet. I’ve been doing some loose plot sketching in my head, and on a few bits of paper, and I’ve decided that the plot will be changing a fair bit - not in overall sweeping sense ie: yes, the Nervii are still going to lose, but more in the ‘hey, look who’s still alive at the end’ sense.

And, not to put to fine a point on it, that’s why I’m feeling heartless. I’ve killed off another of my major characters - I’m not even nearly up to that part in the story yet, but I’ve sketched out a preliminary version of the death scene, and it almost made me cry.

It”s quite a common phenomena, really. Writers can get very attached to their characters, so much so that they take on their own life. When I write a story, at times I become the character, like in an RPG, where you become whomever shoes you’re in.

And then, when you read emotional stories, and watch movies or television shows which influence your character design even more, the death of a character becomes even more of an emotional impact, since, in some ways, it feels like the characters that he or she is based on are dying along with your own character.

Well, that’s where I’m at emotionally with the Fall of the Nervii, anyway. I’ll manage to get a grip on it, but I thought I’d share, just so people might understand a bit better when the story is finished, how much you can suffer writing it. Yes, I know, I can choose not to kill the character, I can choose to keep them alive and have the story change to allow it. But, in another way, I can’t. You have to be heartless, you have to be a bit of a bastard to write, and no matter how much you might want to change it, you can’t.

Sigh. Life goes on otherwise, though. I’ve finished Uni for the year (pending heart attacks and what not come result time) and am currently off work (I go back tomorrow) so have a lot of spare time on my hands. I’ve been catching up on some of the anime I’ve got sitting around, but eventually went back to watching Eva again, though I’m appreciating a lot of it on a different level the second time around.

In other news, my appearance has changed somewhat - I’m currently sporting what has been referred to as ‘a goatee type thing’ on my chin and lip, and have decided to run with it for the moment - it’s kind of amusing. Might try to get a picture online… probably won’t, but I’ve made the gesture, anyway.

Family is back on Lindeman Island in Queensland again, as well, which means the house is empty except for Fernne and I - and Fernne’s not here tonight, as she’s sleeping over a friend’s place. Hopefully she’ll be able to grab a lift back, or else I’ll have to go pick her up tomorrow - which wastes valuable time when I could be watching the Two Towers Extended Edition, which I plan to buy tomorrow. And, my Haibane Renmei DVD/Box should be arriving either tomorrow or on Wednesday via courier, so I’ve got a bit of stuff to watch.

And of course, story to write. I’ve posted what is available so far on andiyar.com, you can check out the Fall of the Nervii (to date) here, minus a few scenes from the beginning of Chapter Three, and the death scene material that I’m not ready to bring into the spotlight yet. Or, at least, you’ll be able to read it in a couple of minutes, after I html/upload it all.

One last thing, before I go write some more. This song (Adre ‘Nôl) is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. Thanks Jon. It’s exactly what I needed tonight.

Take care, everyone.

-Andiyar