It doesn't really get better from the last entry. If anything, it gets worse. Admittedly I've finished psych, got a fantastic review, and a great time, etc, but I think it's torn completely through the barriers I use to keep myself functioning. There are a lot of jagged edges and scars I'd forgotten or buried and I just can't fucking deal with them right now, and they're driving me insane.nn

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nI’ve been on wrapup this week, doing the hardcore revision etc. A friend asked how I was feeling, and I told her I was feeling “labile as fuck” - by which I mean fluctuating like crazy. I’m feeling almost bipolar, and am skittering from mood state to mood state like a frog on a hot rock.nn

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nI almost burst into tears driving home from the university tonight.n

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nI feel almost completely overwhelmed.n

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nI’m feeling a mix of wound as crazy as all hell controlled and like I’m about to blurt out incredibly insane secret-style things to random strangers.n

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nI feel… rudderless.n

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nI’ve opened up and I can’t stop it all from just bubbling through the cracks. Tonight I had the weirdest experience of being told “Smile! I want to see you smile,” while said interlocuter wagged a finger at me.n

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nI laughed briefly - but I couldn’t smile outside of the momentary humour. Another friend in the room asked if it was uni, or what. I said that it wasn’t just uni - it was kinda life.n

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nI’m not typically an optimist about myself. For other people I can slip that mask on, and I do, but I can’t lie on the inside forever. I just can’t find a reason anymore, not a reason for me. There’s always reasons involving others, and they are wonderful and special and important but over a dozen times today, I just found myself asking “why?” over and over again.n

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nI need a shitload more wallpaper.n

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n-Andiya

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